Have The Cardinals Been Hoodwinked?

From Our Rome Correspondent in Rome — As Catholics everywhere celebrated the 'election' of new Pope Francinema-Verite, several Cardinals were seen gasping and clutching their pearl necklaces upon hearing that the 'new' Pope is in fact 75 years old.

"A 75 year-old dog is a dead dog", said Cardinal Friedrich-Nietzsche of Richmond-on-Thames, "and if you tried to kick the tires on a 75 year old motor, you'd be lucky if there were tires to kick." 

Increasingly-worried looking Cardinals were then seen making a 20 yard pass near the free buffet in a desperate play to outflank the Milwaukee Post-Protestants during the third outer bank rearguard activity color wheel of the annual Too Big To Fail playoffs in the run up to Sunday's tweet fest. 

A 75 year old car, recently. 

Conclave Fever Rages Across World, Known Universe

As exhausted Cardinals emerged bent double from their marathon Concave session in Rome, white smoke billowed randomly from vents, ducts and other exhaust systems around the entire world, indicating that ordinary lay people, in some cases even mere whizzing and whirring machines, have decided to elect Popes as well.

Pictured below: white smoke emerging from New York Presbyterian Medical Center's central laundry facility, as a group of steam presses declared they have elected Pope Ssssssssssssssssh-sssssshhhh-SSSSSHHHH-kkkknnnk I.

Who Will Be the New Pope?

Bottled Water Warning

"Yesh, oshifer, ish a bottle of Poland Shpring, and no, I had no idea ish sho shtrong!"

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